as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
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