Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Randomize
