Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
I use my feet as sexual weapons
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
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