Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
