Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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