You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Randomize
