It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
Randomize
