The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
This is the prime rib incident all over again
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Randomize
