it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
Randomize
