I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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