Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
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