he thought i was a dude.
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
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