Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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