you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
Randomize
