dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
do you think the kids from 7th heaven are mad that dennis and sweet dee are their half-brother and sister?
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
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