I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
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