Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
Randomize
