it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Video on mandys page of you drinking upside down was finally put up...too bad all the comments were about me and him fighting in the background while he screamed "BLOW BIG BETSY!'
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