I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
I wish you could order shots online.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Randomize
