The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Randomize
