note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
you inspire me to be a worse person
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
Randomize
