The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Randomize
