I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
Don't make out with my wife yet
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
Randomize
