she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
Randomize
