I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
