I wish my penis had an off switch
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
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