i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
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