you dont need to remember merediths name haha. only jane
Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
