A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
