New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
This is my life. Enjoy the view
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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