The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
Randomize
