Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
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