I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
Randomize
