Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Randomize
