If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
