god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
Randomize
