Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
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