My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
