I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
