I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Randomize
