So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
