I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
