ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
