sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
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