I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
