Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
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