pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
