Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
I see more hoeing in ur future
Randomize
