No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
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