i wanna do a homemade sex video in sepia and pretend were in the early 20th c
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Randomize
