My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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