Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
Randomize
